Tourist Information

A few years ago it took me a while to wonder why on earth there was a large queue forming in front of me with tourist after tourist coming up to me with their SFQ's until I looked around for a sign above my head saying "Tourist Information" and saw that there actually was one.
I got so fed up with it in the end that I moved three feet to the left and one tourist actually asked me:

"What time do you re-open?"

I love tourists and I love playing games with them.  I love to strengthen my Cockney accent and watch them struggle to understand as I rattle off directions, especially if I throw in the occasional rhyming slang word here and there.

I love when I can joke with them, Americans usually have the best sense of humour when it comes to tourists and appreciate a good laugh, especially if you're gently taking the piss out of them too!

I cannot count the number of times I've had tears rolling down my eyes with laughter when I've given strange answers to questions like:

"Where's Covent Garden?"


"Just down the road there, but you better hurry as they cut the grass at 2pm"

or

"Where's Buckingham Palace?"


"Down the end of this road but you better be quick as they change the guard at 2pm and it's the public turn to have a go"

or

"Is that the building where they film James Bond?"  (pointing out Vauxhall Cross MI6)


"I can't tell you that it's a secret and it's really not actually there, if you look in your A-Z you'll see it don't exist."

I've had some real corkers for questions over the years, some I've forgotten but here are some that'll never go away:

"Sir, what time is the 2pm bus tour?


"Where do I get the bus for the walking tour?"


"Where do I hail a taxi?" (whilst stood in a packed taxi rank)

"Can you tell me where Big Ben is please?"  "Yes, it's over my left shoulder" 

I have been known to answer with "Sorry, but he's out with Little Pete at the moment"


One American Tourist asked where Big Ben was and when I pointed out it was behind her and she replied

"That's it?! That's more like a pocket watch!"

I asked her if she had any clock towers bigger in the States and she replied:

"Yes, The Statue of Liberty!"

Here are some more

"Where it says 'train tickets' is that where I can get my train ticket?"

also

"Where it says 'Theatre Tickets' can I buy a train ticket from there?"


"My English cousin lives in London,  his name is John, do you know him?"


"Can you tell me how to get to London?"  "errrr you're already in it"  "Yeah, but the part I need to get to"


"Why was Buckingham Palace built next to such a busy road?"

"Is that the same moon we have at home?"


"Who's that on top of Nelson's Column?"


"What kind of money do you use here?"  I usually reply with "Monkey bones"

Whilst in Central London "How far is it to walk to the Lake District?"

Pointing to the Union Flag: "Gee that's a neat flag, does it come in other colours?"

"Can you tell me what acts are performing today at Piccadilly Circus and are there real elephants?"

and my personal favourite:

"Can you tell me what time does London close?"

I would love to hear some of yours!