You'll Always Find Me In The Kitchen At Parties

It's a funny old game being a copper at times.

It's the only job that when attending parties and meeting people for the first time, I get introduced with my name and career.

"This is Phil, he's a copper"

It happens every time, without fail.

I've never seen any other person in another job introduced in the same way:

"This is Dan, he's a chartered accountant"

Or:

"This is Jim, he's been falsely claiming invalidity benefits for 10 years"

It's the only job I've had where when people find out what you do for a living, they make that wincing look and suck the air through their teeth. Just like a car mechanic does before they say:

"It's gonna cost ya!"

Or when they remember you're a copper, they say:

"Oh yeah, I forgot, you're the copper!"

And the minute someone finds out you're a copper, they start to tell you all the problems they've had with police in the past. How much they hate the old bill and how it should be run.

You know, massive sweeping comments, such as, "All coppers are bastards"

Or they ask stupid questions like:

"Why have I not seen a copper down my road for years?"

Or:

"My house was broken into last week, why wasn't you there in five minutes and when you did eventually turn up you did bugger all to catch them!"

My usual response is "Me? I was probably in bed!"

But would they find it offensive when I find out what they do for a living and insult them and their profession?

"Oh, you're a plumber are you? Well, all plumbers are cowboys! Grab your money and run bastards and you never turn up when you say you will!"

Or:

"Oh, you're an accountant, how boring!"

But it's perfectly acceptable to stand there while I'm trying to relax, be it at a party, or on my way home and insult me about what I try to do to make an honest living.

Passing the wincing, air sucking stage, I am usually bombarded with a shed load of questions about the job.

Now, this could mean they are genuinely interested but after the tenth person asking the same questions in the space of one evening, it gets a tad annoying!

"Whats the worse job you've ever dealt with?" (Like I need reminding of it)

"How many people have you arrested?" (and are shocked when I say I don't know)

"Do you take your gun home?" (I don't carry a gun)

"Why do you not carry a gun?" (Because I'm not trained)

"Why are you not trained? I saw a policeman the other day who had one" (I haven't applied for the course, I don't want one and the man you saw with one, has had the course)

"Why do you not want one?" (for numerous personal reasons!)

And the one that usually annoys:

"If I hit you, would you arrest me even though you're off duty?" (I reply with "Try and see")

When you've managed to get past that stage everything you get spoken to about is job based. They expect you to know every sodding law ever passed since the signing of the Magna Carta.

"How many pints am I allowed to tonight?" (Depends)

"Depends on what?"

You can see a trend emerging here can't you?

The favourites spouted by people at parties etc are:

"You can't do that you're a copper!" (I'm just getting another beer for heavens sake!)

And:

"Here he is mate, nick him, he's the one you want!"

Yes, ha bloody ha! Very original!

When they've finished speaking to you they introduce you to another person

"This is Phil, he's a copper"

and as it begins again a little piece of me dies, heard only as a subtle groan.













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