Haven't you got anything else better to do?

As much as I moan about my job and the political goings on in the background I do generally love being a policeman.  


One thing that always amazes me is that over the years the same questions and statements arise time and time again from members of the public who whilst in conversation either bring them up or actually ask them as the main reason for stopping you.


Here are the answers to the questions to save you asking me next time you see me and in some cases are actually what I really want to say next time I'm asked:


How can I get to the most obscure and insignificant named street the complete other side of London?  


I don't know.  Simple really.  You're standing outside a W H Smith try buying an A-Z.  I am not a black cab driver and I've never done the knowledge.  So why would I know where this street is approx 10 miles in the other direction, way off my patch?


But I thought you policemen knew every where in London?


Refer back to my original answer.  As I stated, I'm not a cab driver.  Do you know where every single street is in your city?


I've got this map and I need to get here (pointing to location) from where we are now (again pointing to location) How do I do that?


Follow your finger along the line!  No, Seriously?!  You have a map, shown me where we are on it, shown me where you want to go on it and yet you want me to show you how to get there.


(After showing them how to get there) No, that's not right, I would go this way.


Then why ask me in the first place? You have the map, use it!


Why do policemen always have their hands inside the stab vests?


Because it's considered rude and unprofessional to have my hands in my pockets and I need some where to rest my hands.  It's also because I'm bored of this conversation and these stupid questions.


I'm going to ask you about the most obscure piece of legislation known to man and then moan because you don't know the answer to it.


I'm not a legal expert. I've had training in the law, yes and I've an A-Level in Law but I don't know the law about it being illegal for a lady to eat chocolate on a conveyance.  If you want the answer to your question either seek a solicitor or better still, research the internet.


What time does this shop close?


So I look like I work for Tesco now?  I must have not noticed that the average Tesco worker carries cuffs, baton, spray, wears a stab vest and a hat which has sign clearly saying "Police" written on it.  I guess it must get a little fraught at Customer Services with all these customers asking stupid questions!  You must have walked past exactly the same sign as me on the way in and as it's 3am I'm guessing it's open all night.


Do you think you should be eating that?


Well, no actually, I was going to use it to throw at speeding motorists to make them think they've hit someone.  I tell you what, I'll take a look inside your basket and start asking why it is you only have "Meals for One"


Shouldn't you be in the doughnut aisle? 


I think you are confusing us with the American Police.  If this was a kebab van, then you've got me.  Stop watching all those films and thinking it's real life.


You can't talk to me like that!


But you think it' perfectly acceptable to talk to me like that and not expect anything back.  Listen. You've been tugged for a perfectly good reason.  You decide to trap off and call me every thing under the sun and because I tell you to wind your neck in and shut your mouth, suddenly I'm the one being rude.


Can a pregnant woman wee in your helmet?


I've been asked this one about a thousand times.  Truthfully I don't know but why on earth would anyone want to do that when they've probably walked past so many toilets, pubs, cafes, restaurants and bushes is beyond me.


Do you get many people asking to take your photo.


Well, it's dipped to only about five hundred today.  Yesterday was well over seven hundred by the time I booked off.


You can't stop me, I know my rights.


Once again, my friend, you seem to be mistaking us from our cousins across the pond.  I have a reason to stop you, and I have grounds therefore I am detaining you for this search and or stopping your vehicle as I suspect you've committed an offence.


This shop won't give me a refund.  I want you to go in and arrest them.


I cannot help you I'm afraid.  However, I suggest you write to customer services.  They have their own internal department that can arrest any person found guilty of holding onto a dumb arse customers money who think that a policeman can help them get a refund for returning a worn pair of pants.


Haven't you got anything else better to do?


Actually I have better things to do, I'm just not doing them right now.


Enough to put you off your public service!

Police Crime and 999

Written by John Donoghue, It’s a look at a year in his life as a front line response officer, comes with the warning:  CONTAINS HUMOUR AND TRACES OF NUTS and, amongst other things, answers those basic questions:

What REALLY happens behind the scenes in the police?

What bizarre 999 calls are made to the emergency services?

Why can wearing 2 pairs of socks make you a suspect?

What is the link between police and vampires?

Which Royal arrest never made news headlines?

What covert sign do officers make when they no longer wish to talk to you?

He's changed names and places to protect the guilty!

The book isn’t officially available until August, but it is available NOW for all readers of this blog via his website www.policecrime999.com  and John has kindly given us a  10% discount!

Quote: ResponsePlodBlog when ordering for your 10% Discount!

Tourist Information

A few years ago it took me a while to wonder why on earth there was a large queue forming in front of me with tourist after tourist coming up to me with their SFQ's until I looked around for a sign above my head saying "Tourist Information" and saw that there actually was one.
I got so fed up with it in the end that I moved three feet to the left and one tourist actually asked me:

"What time do you re-open?"

I love tourists and I love playing games with them.  I love to strengthen my Cockney accent and watch them struggle to understand as I rattle off directions, especially if I throw in the occasional rhyming slang word here and there.

I love when I can joke with them, Americans usually have the best sense of humour when it comes to tourists and appreciate a good laugh, especially if you're gently taking the piss out of them too!

I cannot count the number of times I've had tears rolling down my eyes with laughter when I've given strange answers to questions like:

"Where's Covent Garden?"


"Just down the road there, but you better hurry as they cut the grass at 2pm"

or

"Where's Buckingham Palace?"


"Down the end of this road but you better be quick as they change the guard at 2pm and it's the public turn to have a go"

or

"Is that the building where they film James Bond?"  (pointing out Vauxhall Cross MI6)


"I can't tell you that it's a secret and it's really not actually there, if you look in your A-Z you'll see it don't exist."

I've had some real corkers for questions over the years, some I've forgotten but here are some that'll never go away:

"Sir, what time is the 2pm bus tour?


"Where do I get the bus for the walking tour?"


"Where do I hail a taxi?" (whilst stood in a packed taxi rank)

"Can you tell me where Big Ben is please?"  "Yes, it's over my left shoulder" 

I have been known to answer with "Sorry, but he's out with Little Pete at the moment"


One American Tourist asked where Big Ben was and when I pointed out it was behind her and she replied

"That's it?! That's more like a pocket watch!"

I asked her if she had any clock towers bigger in the States and she replied:

"Yes, The Statue of Liberty!"

Here are some more

"Where it says 'train tickets' is that where I can get my train ticket?"

also

"Where it says 'Theatre Tickets' can I buy a train ticket from there?"


"My English cousin lives in London,  his name is John, do you know him?"


"Can you tell me how to get to London?"  "errrr you're already in it"  "Yeah, but the part I need to get to"


"Why was Buckingham Palace built next to such a busy road?"

"Is that the same moon we have at home?"


"Who's that on top of Nelson's Column?"


"What kind of money do you use here?"  I usually reply with "Monkey bones"

Whilst in Central London "How far is it to walk to the Lake District?"

Pointing to the Union Flag: "Gee that's a neat flag, does it come in other colours?"

"Can you tell me what acts are performing today at Piccadilly Circus and are there real elephants?"

and my personal favourite:

"Can you tell me what time does London close?"

I would love to hear some of yours!

You'll Always Find Me In The Kitchen At Parties

It's a funny old game being a copper at times.

It's the only job that when attending parties and meeting people for the first time, I get introduced with my name and career.

"This is Phil, he's a copper"

It happens every time, without fail.

I've never seen any other person in another job introduced in the same way:

"This is Dan, he's a chartered accountant"

Or:

"This is Jim, he's been falsely claiming invalidity benefits for 10 years"

It's the only job I've had where when people find out what you do for a living, they make that wincing look and suck the air through their teeth. Just like a car mechanic does before they say:

"It's gonna cost ya!"

Or when they remember you're a copper, they say:

"Oh yeah, I forgot, you're the copper!"

And the minute someone finds out you're a copper, they start to tell you all the problems they've had with police in the past. How much they hate the old bill and how it should be run.

You know, massive sweeping comments, such as, "All coppers are bastards"

Or they ask stupid questions like:

"Why have I not seen a copper down my road for years?"

Or:

"My house was broken into last week, why wasn't you there in five minutes and when you did eventually turn up you did bugger all to catch them!"

My usual response is "Me? I was probably in bed!"

But would they find it offensive when I find out what they do for a living and insult them and their profession?

"Oh, you're a plumber are you? Well, all plumbers are cowboys! Grab your money and run bastards and you never turn up when you say you will!"

Or:

"Oh, you're an accountant, how boring!"

But it's perfectly acceptable to stand there while I'm trying to relax, be it at a party, or on my way home and insult me about what I try to do to make an honest living.

Passing the wincing, air sucking stage, I am usually bombarded with a shed load of questions about the job.

Now, this could mean they are genuinely interested but after the tenth person asking the same questions in the space of one evening, it gets a tad annoying!

"Whats the worse job you've ever dealt with?" (Like I need reminding of it)

"How many people have you arrested?" (and are shocked when I say I don't know)

"Do you take your gun home?" (I don't carry a gun)

"Why do you not carry a gun?" (Because I'm not trained)

"Why are you not trained? I saw a policeman the other day who had one" (I haven't applied for the course, I don't want one and the man you saw with one, has had the course)

"Why do you not want one?" (for numerous personal reasons!)

And the one that usually annoys:

"If I hit you, would you arrest me even though you're off duty?" (I reply with "Try and see")

When you've managed to get past that stage everything you get spoken to about is job based. They expect you to know every sodding law ever passed since the signing of the Magna Carta.

"How many pints am I allowed to tonight?" (Depends)

"Depends on what?"

You can see a trend emerging here can't you?

The favourites spouted by people at parties etc are:

"You can't do that you're a copper!" (I'm just getting another beer for heavens sake!)

And:

"Here he is mate, nick him, he's the one you want!"

Yes, ha bloody ha! Very original!

When they've finished speaking to you they introduce you to another person

"This is Phil, he's a copper"

and as it begins again a little piece of me dies, heard only as a subtle groan.













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They Always Come Out At Night.....(or sometimes the day too)

The Night Turn always guarantees to bring out the oddest people and therefore some of the oddest calls that generally, as a rule, you don't get during the day.

There is apparently, some medical evidence (somewhere, don't ask me to look for it) that states that the effect of gravity from a full moon on the chemicals in the human brain can have some bizarre effects and it is where the term "Lunatic" comes from.

Also the cover of darkness with enough light from the full moon can allow people to move about almost undetected.

So no surprise to be asked to assist a call in the small hours to a lady who stated that she had been burgled.

Nothing unusual there, except for the fact that she said over the phone that she was out in the garden squatting on her lawn going to the toilet when her neighbours broke in and took her stuff in the ten minutes she was sat out there.

She said she "knows its wrong to do toilet out on the lawn but next door are just evil, just evil!"

Thankfully, within ten minutes she called back to say that she had found all her stuff and all was well and we don't have to worry about coming round.

Queue sighs of relief over the radio!

We all do some odd things in time and the light, be it from a blazing sunny day or a moon lit night can play havoc on your perceptions.

One Sunday a few years back, we were called to an Immediate grade to a street in Brixton, South London, for a robbery in progress. We arrived about 10 minutes later and witnesses had informed us that the robber and his victim had both left the scene. So after taking descriptions we carried out an area search of which there was no trace.

To double check everywhere we went up on the Brixton train station which we knew had no service due to engineering works.

It was a very sunny day and as we were up on the platform I could see a man at the far end leaning against the wall with his bag by his side. Thinking to myself that this man could be either the victim, robber or witness it was a good idea to check him out, either way, I was going to inform him that there was no service on this day and he needs to find another route.

As I approached, I called out a “Hello” to which I received no response, I thought maybe he didn’t hear me so I repeated my call, still I got no response. The man was just leaning with one foot up against the wall and staring into no where. I thought either he’s genuinely deaf, or just plain ignorant so I waved my arms above my head and shouted “YO! You on the platform!” Still I got no response. “OI!” I shouted “OI MATE!” still nothing!

It was only as I got about 10 feet away from him I realised that this man would never answer me

…he was a statue and not just any statue,

......he was the famous Brixton statue of the “Perpetually Waiting Man”

A chorus of laughter from my bewildered colleagues as I turned back meant that, damn they had seen it all! I was getting comments like,

Well, I instantly blamed the bright Sun in my eyes!

“Was you going to arrest him under section 25, failure to provide details”?

 And “Who’s that over there? ….Statue?

Off The Back Of a Lorry UPDATE

Well after humping those boxes for the best part of half a mile and throwing them over a Timber yard fence, we found out where they had originally been stolen.

The owner for the Timber Yard had spoken to one of his neighbouring yard owners and found they had come from him!

The lads who broke into the yard, had thrown everything over the fence and left it there to collect later due to its large quantity.

The problem is, we came along and dragged it half a mile away and the wet boxes were destroyed spilling contents everywhere.

Thankfully I wasn't one who had to take it all back!




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Off The Back Of A Lorry

Last night is one of those shifts where one incident is the one of the ones that stays with you for the rest of your days.

It wasn't particularly amazing it was just very surreal.

An immediate grade call came after a Q night at 4am this morning and it was to assist some colleagues from the BTP at a train station out in the sticks.

The report from a witness saw two males carrying boxes along a railway line and then disappearing with them over a fence.

Believing they were stealing equipment or cable we arrived on scene just before the local BTP unit arrived.

A search of the immediate area discovered a couple of large rain sodden cardboard boxes on a path near the fence to the railway but no suspects.

Opening them up, we found iPod Touch cases all brand new about a hundred or so in each box,

The BTP carried out a track search incase the two suspects had gone back on the railway while we carried out an area search.

We then received a call.

"We've found some more boxes

......hundreds of them!

..........and tv sets!"

We then assisted in looking for an exit to remove these boxes and that involved having to climb over a rather large gate to a Timber yard which my vertically challenged colleague found a little difficult!

Especially when he caught his trouser leg on a spike and couldn't get down!

Over his shoulder from a house opposite I saw a bemused old lady watching us from her bedroom window.

I'm not surprised, the gate made a racket and our laughter was loud enough to wake the dead.

Going track side we found the BTP, a member of staff from the railway, a large pile of wet boxes and one piece of Heras fencing laying across the tracks.

For an hour or so we humped literally hundreds and hundreds of boxes of iPod cases on to the piece of fence.

Then we then went back and forth dragging this fence on the tracks laden with the boxes about half a mile or so which left us knackered and filthy.

We threw them over another fence at the Timber yard in a pile to be collected.

We then had to load a large van with the gear in order for some poor sod to book them into property! Thankfully that wasn't me!

It was guestimated that there was approximately 5000 of these cases about £10 each retail at least, so you do the maths.

We still don't know where they came from as there were no loss reports.

No wonder these lads gave up carrying them all that way!

We nearly did!



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Whoops!!!

Hampshire police thought it would be a good idea to advertise on the rear of a bus. Their planning did not take into account the position of the exhaust pipe!