Haven't you got anything else better to do?

As much as I moan about my job and the political goings on in the background I do generally love being a policeman.  


One thing that always amazes me is that over the years the same questions and statements arise time and time again from members of the public who whilst in conversation either bring them up or actually ask them as the main reason for stopping you.


Here are the answers to the questions to save you asking me next time you see me and in some cases are actually what I really want to say next time I'm asked:


How can I get to the most obscure and insignificant named street the complete other side of London?  


I don't know.  Simple really.  You're standing outside a W H Smith try buying an A-Z.  I am not a black cab driver and I've never done the knowledge.  So why would I know where this street is approx 10 miles in the other direction, way off my patch?


But I thought you policemen knew every where in London?


Refer back to my original answer.  As I stated, I'm not a cab driver.  Do you know where every single street is in your city?


I've got this map and I need to get here (pointing to location) from where we are now (again pointing to location) How do I do that?


Follow your finger along the line!  No, Seriously?!  You have a map, shown me where we are on it, shown me where you want to go on it and yet you want me to show you how to get there.


(After showing them how to get there) No, that's not right, I would go this way.


Then why ask me in the first place? You have the map, use it!


Why do policemen always have their hands inside the stab vests?


Because it's considered rude and unprofessional to have my hands in my pockets and I need some where to rest my hands.  It's also because I'm bored of this conversation and these stupid questions.


I'm going to ask you about the most obscure piece of legislation known to man and then moan because you don't know the answer to it.


I'm not a legal expert. I've had training in the law, yes and I've an A-Level in Law but I don't know the law about it being illegal for a lady to eat chocolate on a conveyance.  If you want the answer to your question either seek a solicitor or better still, research the internet.


What time does this shop close?


So I look like I work for Tesco now?  I must have not noticed that the average Tesco worker carries cuffs, baton, spray, wears a stab vest and a hat which has sign clearly saying "Police" written on it.  I guess it must get a little fraught at Customer Services with all these customers asking stupid questions!  You must have walked past exactly the same sign as me on the way in and as it's 3am I'm guessing it's open all night.


Do you think you should be eating that?


Well, no actually, I was going to use it to throw at speeding motorists to make them think they've hit someone.  I tell you what, I'll take a look inside your basket and start asking why it is you only have "Meals for One"


Shouldn't you be in the doughnut aisle? 


I think you are confusing us with the American Police.  If this was a kebab van, then you've got me.  Stop watching all those films and thinking it's real life.


You can't talk to me like that!


But you think it' perfectly acceptable to talk to me like that and not expect anything back.  Listen. You've been tugged for a perfectly good reason.  You decide to trap off and call me every thing under the sun and because I tell you to wind your neck in and shut your mouth, suddenly I'm the one being rude.


Can a pregnant woman wee in your helmet?


I've been asked this one about a thousand times.  Truthfully I don't know but why on earth would anyone want to do that when they've probably walked past so many toilets, pubs, cafes, restaurants and bushes is beyond me.


Do you get many people asking to take your photo.


Well, it's dipped to only about five hundred today.  Yesterday was well over seven hundred by the time I booked off.


You can't stop me, I know my rights.


Once again, my friend, you seem to be mistaking us from our cousins across the pond.  I have a reason to stop you, and I have grounds therefore I am detaining you for this search and or stopping your vehicle as I suspect you've committed an offence.


This shop won't give me a refund.  I want you to go in and arrest them.


I cannot help you I'm afraid.  However, I suggest you write to customer services.  They have their own internal department that can arrest any person found guilty of holding onto a dumb arse customers money who think that a policeman can help them get a refund for returning a worn pair of pants.


Haven't you got anything else better to do?


Actually I have better things to do, I'm just not doing them right now.


Enough to put you off your public service!

Tourist Information

A few years ago it took me a while to wonder why on earth there was a large queue forming in front of me with tourist after tourist coming up to me with their SFQ's until I looked around for a sign above my head saying "Tourist Information" and saw that there actually was one.
I got so fed up with it in the end that I moved three feet to the left and one tourist actually asked me:

"What time do you re-open?"

I love tourists and I love playing games with them.  I love to strengthen my Cockney accent and watch them struggle to understand as I rattle off directions, especially if I throw in the occasional rhyming slang word here and there.

I love when I can joke with them, Americans usually have the best sense of humour when it comes to tourists and appreciate a good laugh, especially if you're gently taking the piss out of them too!

I cannot count the number of times I've had tears rolling down my eyes with laughter when I've given strange answers to questions like:

"Where's Covent Garden?"


"Just down the road there, but you better hurry as they cut the grass at 2pm"

or

"Where's Buckingham Palace?"


"Down the end of this road but you better be quick as they change the guard at 2pm and it's the public turn to have a go"

or

"Is that the building where they film James Bond?"  (pointing out Vauxhall Cross MI6)


"I can't tell you that it's a secret and it's really not actually there, if you look in your A-Z you'll see it don't exist."

I've had some real corkers for questions over the years, some I've forgotten but here are some that'll never go away:

"Sir, what time is the 2pm bus tour?


"Where do I get the bus for the walking tour?"


"Where do I hail a taxi?" (whilst stood in a packed taxi rank)

"Can you tell me where Big Ben is please?"  "Yes, it's over my left shoulder" 

I have been known to answer with "Sorry, but he's out with Little Pete at the moment"


One American Tourist asked where Big Ben was and when I pointed out it was behind her and she replied

"That's it?! That's more like a pocket watch!"

I asked her if she had any clock towers bigger in the States and she replied:

"Yes, The Statue of Liberty!"

Here are some more

"Where it says 'train tickets' is that where I can get my train ticket?"

also

"Where it says 'Theatre Tickets' can I buy a train ticket from there?"


"My English cousin lives in London,  his name is John, do you know him?"


"Can you tell me how to get to London?"  "errrr you're already in it"  "Yeah, but the part I need to get to"


"Why was Buckingham Palace built next to such a busy road?"

"Is that the same moon we have at home?"


"Who's that on top of Nelson's Column?"


"What kind of money do you use here?"  I usually reply with "Monkey bones"

Whilst in Central London "How far is it to walk to the Lake District?"

Pointing to the Union Flag: "Gee that's a neat flag, does it come in other colours?"

"Can you tell me what acts are performing today at Piccadilly Circus and are there real elephants?"

and my personal favourite:

"Can you tell me what time does London close?"

I would love to hear some of yours!